Make it Bun Dem

At the BRT park in Ajah, there was a short queue of about ten people. It was early morning and it had rained earlier. There was no bus yet so the people there were waiting in faith.
There is a critical queue length (CQL) which is the minimum number of people who have to be on a line for that line to appear legitimate. Once the queue has accumulated that number of people, it generates enough conviction to passers-by that those waiting are certain that a bus is coming. And like that, the line attracts even more people.
But if you asked anyone gathered there if they knew if a bus was coming, they would stare at you blankly and say something like, “Can’t you see the line?”

About five people from the start of the queue was a woman carrying a backpack.
The man behind her was playing with his hands. He shuffled to her left, he shuffled back behind her. He kept turning and looking around like he was expecting the bus to sneak up on him. Someone standing around them shouted. “Chai! Madam be careful, this boy is trying to steal your phone.” The woman swung the bag to her front and saw that the bag was unzipped. The fidgety man behind her opened his eyes wide, pointed to himself, Who me?
The person who had alerted the woman said, “It’s true! I saw you.”
More of the people on the queue got involved. “Picky pocket. That’s how they do, they will be standing on line waiting. Then they will disappear, your purse will be gone, your phone too, you won’t ever see them entering the bus.” “It happened to me like that one time.”
The woman zipped her bag up and hugged it tight in front of her. A few minutes later, the accusations died down.

Now the alleged thief, to prove that he wasn’t stealing, was stuck on the queue. He was waiting with everyone else, acting impatient. When the BRT official walked by, he joined the other passengers in complaining, When is the bus coming? We have been waiting for over thirty minutes.
But even when he was united with them, the people would not stop talking about his stealing past. “Look at him pretending like he has somewhere to go.” “I know, just watch and see.”
Someone said, “That’s how they always do here. And they are never just one. Once you catch them, another one will come and be supporting him.”
The group evaluated each queue member searching for who was most likely to be his accomplice. A new man joined the queue. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a tie. He was carrying a file folder and the belt holding up his trousers was looped around his entire body twice.
He overheard part of the conversation and asked what happened. He listened, nodding at all the speakers and looked the thief over.
“Why you no slap am?”
“No o, you no dey beat thief, they just come back dey tiff again. You must kill them.”
The alleged thief was cleaning his fingernails, being interested in the dirt he found there.

The BRT bus pulled up and the bus assistant came down the front steps. She asked the first person for their destination and held her hand out for the passenger’s ticket.
She took the ticket and tore the stub off the end for herself. She ripped the remaining part of the ticket in half and returned it to the passenger. She did that for the next three people. The woman with the bag stepped forward, submitted her ticket and got into the bus. Then the alleged thief was at the head of the queue.
A brief look of confusion crossed his face as he stood at the entrance of the bus. He did not have a ticket in his hand. Instead, he tapped his chest three times and turned into smoke.

Someone from the back said, “See? I told you.”
The ticket collector waved her hand back and forth to dispel the mist and called up the next passenger. The passenger stepped forward, she took their ticket, and tore the stub off for herself and ripped their ticket in half and returned it to them. Then she did the same thing for the person after that, and for the person after that too because she had a long line to get through.

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From Saul’s Private Email Server

******2
From: King1@jol.com
To: HarpBoy17@jahoo.com

Hope u dnt mind. I got ur emal addy from Jonathan.
Sry abt d last time. I had a lot on ma mind. With the war an everything els.e
Sumtims when im lying down, I can feel darkness closing in from the edges, the darts my my enemies are throwin r hitting me right here in my soul, the weight of the kingdom is completely on my chest and my heart is pounding. U dnt knw what itis like. On those days, I av few ppl I can rely on.

And u say ur tryin but. Then you go an play a song I dont like. You prolly dont mean anytin by it, buti warned u severl times before in the past.
I accept your apology though. Nd I shoulnt av thrown the spear at you. That one is My bad.
Pls let m no when u r bak in town. Headaches are gettin worse, only ur harp suuthes them. It is like I wud die without yr help

Forgive my typings

 

 

******1
From: King1@jol.com
To: Giantslayer10Kkilla@jahoo.com

I see, its new achivement, new email address. No probblem.
If you tink dis is the type of thing you should be bragging about. Thatis up to you.
Continue to carry ur shoulders up. Act asif I did not bring you into my house. As if I did not raise u nd treat u as one of my own. And Even give u this opportunity to shine.

I offered u my daughter and u throw it back in my face as if I am begging u. You tink I care about taxes from your peasant family? Honestly, I perfer if you never mention this philistine thing 2 any1 again. If you cannt see fit to tell the truth, to be honest with people, justtell them u dunt want to talk about it.

And I knw its you talking about me behind mt bak telling people I’m crazy.
NO , u David u r d crazy one.

 

 

******3
From: King1@jol.com
To: Soninlaw2dking@jahoo.com

I ddon’tknow who u bin talking to. Spreading all sorts of rumors. That Me, of all people, sending assassins to come and kill you. Why wld I du sometin like that?
If I wantd to kill u, cann I not face u man 2 man and do it? Did I nut throw a spear at you that one time face to face? (and apologize)
And now that we are family. I resent that you wuld accuse me of something like that. After all the foreskins weve shared between us. If you tink I will send asassins to ur house wherrr my own daughter leaves. You tink I will put my child at risk????

My curse on you, my curse on your family, my curse on those two bastard children of mine that are feeding you these rumurs. I swear If I meet you or anyone related to you, anyone who knows you has heard of you or speaks positive of you, I swear on my life I will kill them. I will remove their eyes.
I wish you a slow death.

 

 

******4
From: King1@jol.com
To: KingInHiding@jmail.com

Sorry for that last email. Am going thru a lot of stress right now.

I Think its very disrespekt ful what u r doing to me nd my family.
U invade my privacy, tear my cloths, steal my spear, my water bottle.
After all I’ve done for u. Shame on u.
Delete your account.

Seventh Son of a Seventh Son

 

  1. One of the highest rates of twin births in the world is amongst the Yoruba people, especially those from a small town in Oyo state called Igbo-Ora.

 

  1. Traditionally, Yoruba twins are called Taiwo (also Taiye) and Kehinde. Taiwo being the first of the twins to emerge and Kehinde the second.

 

  1. Even though Taiwo is born first, Yorubas consider the older twin to be Kehinde. They believe that Kehinde sends Taiwo out into the world to see if the world is suitable. This ties into the Yoruba “respect” culture (air quotes intended) where you only know a person is older by their propensity to send younger people on errands.

 

  1. A woman’s chances of having twin births increases as she gets older and with each subsequent birth. Thus a woman who has had a few children is more likely to have a set of twins than a woman just starting out.

 

  1. The Yoruba naming convention for families with twin births is as follows:
    1. The twins are Taiwo (the scout)
    2. and Kehinde (the older)
    3. Idowu comes after the twins (and is short for “I do all the twins’ chores” but is pronounced differently)
    4. Alaba is next
    5. Then Idogbe (rarely seen)
    6. And finally Idohan

 

  1. The nomenclature clock resets at each set of twins. So a woman with 6 children from 4 births and twins in positions 1 and 3 (and Mars in retrograde) would have Big Taiwo and Big Kehinde, Big Idowu, Little Taiwo and Little Kehinde, and Little Idowu.

 

  1. However, if a woman has a set of twins and is then able to string together an unbroken line of five single births (in spite of her body’s increasing tendency towards multiple births), it is said that the resulting seventh child would be a being of pure light and magic, the only one capable of wielding the family’s sacred broom and mop, responsible for running all the family’s errands and doing all the housework. And even the Yoruba don’t have a name for it.

 

 

h/t @ifemmanuel (ifenihinlola.wordpress.com)

 

Big Sallah

 

BIG SMALL
SALLAH The one with ram All other Muslim public holidays that you get to stay home for but without ram, unless your landlord has money.
PHONE The one that has data

Also “my WazApp number”

Requires you to carry a charger around, and ask people at restaurants, at the airport, at weddings, “Can you help me plug it?”

Has torchlight

Lasts a few days on one battery charge

Tied with rubber band

DADDY / MUMMY Uncle or Aunt older than parent N/A
GEN Usually diesel.

The one that can power the A/C and freezer

Petrol powered

Carries fans and lights only. Can be used to charge Big Phone.

If you turn on the iron, someone from the back of the house will shout, “Who on’ed the iron? Don’t you know we are on small gen!”