oh oh I’m an alien…

I’ve become convinced that if aliens showed up th–

what? Yes, yes, I’m talking about aliens today.

Anyway, as I was saying, extraterrestrial species of any kind would be either more advanced than us or less. If the aliens could make it all the way to earth before we even knew they existed, then they would definitely more advanced than we are. They would have to be. We have had half a century and only made it as far as Mars and we still can’t decide if Mars has water or not. That sounds like it would be step one in proving ourselves as intelligent life, find out if the planet next door has water.

When the aliens show up, to them we would be like ants because we don’t even know what is going on down the planetary road from us. We are marching back and forth from home to school to work, gathering food, hoarding money, protecting our queen, a crumb of bread falls from the sky, we run around panicked for a while, alter our patterns a little, and immediately go back to our regular business like nothing happened.

The aliens have two options, they could either send out an emissary to reach out to us as equals or they would capture us to study us. But we are ants, and I know we won’t send a human ambassador into an anthill, so the aliens will choose to study us.
In the movies, it is always one space craft scouring some small American town with cornfields kidnapping couples. That is rubbish. You don’t study a species by taking one or two people, and you don’t do it in a high tech, high visibility area like the US. Never.

You would need mass samples, and you have to do it quietly. If this is going to happen, it would have to happen in a place like Northern Nigeria.
A space saucer could hover over the Emir’s palace in Kano for two weeks, and it wouldn’t make the local news.
I know this because we had an event and we called NTA news to inform them, and they wouldn’t come to cover the event unless we paid them. Then after they had filmed the ceremony, they said they couldn’t show it on TV because they didn’t have electricity. As long as the aliens don’t pay the television station, the news won’t carry it.

The aliens could turn off all electricity, phone lines, internet, mobile, television and radio signals in a 100 kilometre radius of Kafanchan and even if people noticed, they wouldn’t be that surprised. They might not even have to turn all that stuff off, it might already all be off.
They could isolate half a state and harvest entire communities safely. And this isn’t even talking about the nomadic villages, or the people that live in mountains, who no one would miss as long as you take the whole group of them.
No sheriff would show up with an investigative journalist asking probing questions. None of that movie hassle like “I suspect the villagers are hiding something. Call for backup.”

BBC news will pick up the story because they are always the first to tell us what is going on in our own country, and they’ll report it in that detached casual air, “Reports reaching us from our correspondent in Nigeria indicate that a massive saucer is blanketing out parts of Northern Nigeria. The Nigerian government is not available for comment. In other news, Prince Something-something and whats-her-face have returned from their three month wedding anniversary vacation… ”

The people in the south won’t help with their nonchalance. You can tell them, “There’s an alien spaceship over Maiduguri and it is capturing people”
or
“The whole of Northern Nigeria just disappeared”
or even
“Bombs just blew up in Jos”
Any variation of bad news about the north, and they respond in the same way, “aww, it is sad what is going on the the north. Let us leave them alone and continue to pray for them.”

You might get a blackberry broadcast or a text message saying, “Stay awAy 4rm Sok0to.Aliens r kidnappx ppl.Pls fwD.” but that’s about the extent of any community response.

If you are reading this, our extraterrestrial overlords, we welcome you. GPS coordinates are below.

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4 thoughts on “oh oh I’m an alien…

  1. Last night, I saw a Nat Geo documentary on the world’s deadliest planets. This morning, I watched Battle Los Angeles. Now, you’re talking about aliens. I don’t need any more signs, ‘he yo! UFO, come get me!’ Ha ha.
    *aside* Someone should go out there and burn down all the NTA stations.
    Nice post Tolu!

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