I got the forwarded message below from a few different people, and I felt it deserved more widespread coverage, lest the rest of you wander around without fair warning.
“please try and be extremely vigilant when driving or doing anything. Kidnappers are on the prowl around lagos and abuja and they are targeting average, normal middle class people. Try as much as possible to desist from parking your car in isolated areas in day or nite time and if u must, look for a busy place. ”
Do you see the thinly veiled insult there? That someone who knows me actually thought, “He is an average normal person who will benefit from this.”
If I ever get kidnapped, I will ask the bandits if they are the ones people have been talking about who take normal people. If they say yes, I will tell them surely there has been a mistake because I am rich.
When they hear this, they will be remorseful, drop me off at my mansion, and apologise for killing my driver.
I know this goes against every instinct because you cannot get a Nigerian to admit they are rich. Tell someone pointedly that they are upper class, and they’ll respond with a “No o, middle class. Maybe even lower class sef. We are struggling.”
Tell them they are doing well, and they’ll pause live TV on their flat screen, put down the bottle of Cristal, move closer to you and say, “Shh…. let me tell you something, my wife doesn’t know this but we are poor.”
“We’re still dragging it o. Everyday hustle, hustle.”
Even a retired man sitting on a fat pension with a house in the middle of Lagos close to his business, another house on the outskirts of town for when he needs to get away from the bustle, and a third house in his village for when he goes there to bless his people.
This man will be arguing that he is middle class, at most.
Someone should audit him, maybe some kidnappers.