Employee of the month

Years ago, I was working as a business analyst and thought it would be a good idea to update my CV.
I know a bit about computers but all of my knowledge is self-taught so I have no certificates. I figured I could add some certifications to my CV just by writing the required exams without having to take any classes.

A school close to the office called The Chubbs Institute offered computer training and certification. So on a slow day at work, I looked up the Chubbs Institute website for the prices of their certification exams.
I must have typed in the web address wrong because as I hit Enter, I was transported to a website showcasing naked chubby girls.

I gasped and my jaw dropped.

At work, we sit in these U-shaped cubicles with the computer facing the open end of the U. Anyone coming to your desk sees your PC monitor over your shoulder while you sitting at the desk has to turn around to see who it is.

In the same instant that my screen ushered me into a wonderland of huge women, I heard someone behind me and I turned.

It was not my manager standing there, it was my manager’s boss. He had asked my manager if I was busy and since I wasn’t, he had some work for me.

He was looking past me at the monitor and his eyes were wide.
I looked back at the screen. The girls were still there. I started babbling, my entire body was trembling.

I stammered out, “I- I- ..c- c- …. certifications.”

I was turning back and forth, from him to the computer and back to him, like a cartoon character, trying to explain while trying to close the internet window but every time I X’ed it, more pop-up windows would appear with more girls, bigger girls, and captions like:
‘Going so soon?’
‘Are these big enough for you?’

I knew the situation was bad, but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I heard myself utter the infamous words of guilty people everywhere: “It’s not what it looks like.”

The man, the head of Finance, was still standing at the entrance of my cubicle, his mouth was moving but nothing was coming out.
I thought he was going to have a heart attack. That would have rounded up my day quite nicely, I can imagine the headlines the next day:
“Managing Director, Employee found dead in cubicle in apparent accident/suicide combo. Case baffles investigators as computer continues to spew out pornographic pop-ups”

He finally walked away without saying anything.

After he left, my hands were shaking too much to operate the mouse, so I crawled under the desk and pulled the plug on the computer.

I don’t work there anymore. Let’s just leave it at that.


13 thoughts on “Employee of the month

  1. you know, twitter no longer works for me. nigeria is fun! anyway, i wanted to mention you in a blog post directly if you don’t mind… i was going to write about critters and wanted to include a link to your amazing post about the frog. would that be okay?

  2. I like the simplicity of your write up…..I’ve been reading through all your posts and I gotta say,u re pretty good….keep it up

    • Thanks Kelvin. That’s one big thing I’m trying to learn, how to improve description without having to reach for big words.
      If I can achieve that, I will be very pleased.

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