F. M. L awan

You could write a million fictional stories about corruption in Nigeria and none of them would come close to being as absurd as reality.
The unedited events of the last week’s Farouk Lawan case as they stand are this:

Day 0, Femi Otedola, the CEO of Zenon oil brought forward a video of himself giving a bribe of $620,000 in marked bills to Farouk Lawan, the head of the House of Reps probe on the fuel subsidy.

On Day 1, Farouk woke up, stretched out on his satin sheets with gold trim and brushed his teeth while his robot butler read him the news. Understandably, he almost choked to death when he heard the news about the video. He did the first thing he could think of, he called the newspapers and issued a statement saying that the video was doctored and the person in it was not him.

By Day 2, he was calmer. He realised that not many people would believe his photoshop story. You need a low tech lie here. So he called the media again, wrung his hands, smiled a lot, shared a few forced jokes, and then told them, “I took the bribe, but what you see in that video is not him setting me up, but me setting him up. The police and my colleagues were in on it. We just haven’t followed up on the set-up for two months because we’ve been very busy.”
At this, the police and his colleagues promptly said, “No o, we don’t know anything about it.”

Day 3, Farouk conferred his friends and they said, “Why didn’t you call us earlier, we could have given you a better lie than those first two.”
They put their heads together and this is what they came up with: Farouk did take some money from Femi Otedola but the money was not a bribe. It was money that was given Farouk to prevent him from being tempted by bribes. A bribe-deterrent bribe.
After saying this, Farouk looked at the stunned expressions on the faces of the reporters and said, “This is my final story and I’m sticking to it.”

This is like a man saying his wife received a sex tape of him and his mistress. So his friends tell him, “Say it isn’t you on the tape.”
“No wait, say it was you, but you only did it to prove to the other woman’s husband that she was unfaithful.”
“Or try this one, say it was you, but you only did it to stop you from sleeping with even more women.”

I am more disappointed in the excuses than I am in the actual crime. It shows a man with an inability to think on his feet.
The other House of Rep members aren’t suggesting he shouldn’t have done it, they are more focused on the fact that Lawan went to Otedola’s house to pick up the money, har-har amateur mistake. Like that man’s friends are saying, “Not that you shouldn’t cheat on your wife, but if you do it in someone’s else’s house, don’t you know they can tape you?”

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12 thoughts on “F. M. L awan

  1. You could write a million fictional stories about corruption in Nigeria and none of them would come close to being as absurd as reality..gbam!… nothing more to add!

  2. ‘Ati Farouk Lawan ati Femi Otedola, fun ara won ni won fun ara won logun je.’
    I want to see if/how this ends.

    • It seems like every other job in the world would require you to be a better liar than this. Do simple things like confirm with the people who you’ll be using for your excuse, don’t change your story, etc. It’s pretty basic stuff.

  3. A young, elite, LSE- educated former senate president said a few years ago ” we must take care and caution in reforming the power sector. you know generator-imports are a big industry in Nigeria” (paraphrased). I was shocked that he thought it was okay to say that in public. I was angry that no one else around me even picked up on the comment. And then I realised that many Nigerians would never hear him, sat in their living rooms lit by candles, waiting to shout “up NEPA”.

    I am mad because they think we are stupid. And they do make us look stupid to the rest of the world. I am mad because we will forget. I am mad because it is funny, because it really isn’t.

    • You know how international news outlets would record your interviews and play your lies back at you while asking you tough questions? We don’t have that.
      I blame the whole age/respect thing. If you criticize someone in a high position, you’ll hear their minions muttering “Who do you think you are talking to your elders like that?”
      Oh rubbish. The system has all these people grandfathered into it, who are determined to leave things unchanged and ride it to ruin. They have no fear of slipping up and saying the wrong thing.

  4. “No wait, say it was you, but you only did it to prove to the other woman’s husband that she was unfaithful”….You killed me there! ha ha…

    Situations in Nigeria are ALWAYS a big joke. What pains me is that their actions imply that we all are a bunch of fools.

    P.S: I could start crushing on you again…

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