Nigerian Twitter Personas

The Religious
Sample bios: “Jewel of the Lord.” “God’s son.”
Location: “In my Father’s bosom.” “The secret place of the most High.”
The bio is fine and already says it all, but why do you have to make a simple location question so difficult?

The Over-Achievers
Sample bios: “Doing big things” “Watch me as I blow up.” “Next Senate President.”
I even saw one that said something like ‘Aspiring first Nigerian astronaut.’
Okay, don’t let me interrupt you on your way to the top.

The Entrepreneurs
They have a personal twitter account and they have a business twitter account. You choose to follow one, and not the other because you think the person is interesting, but the product isn’t something that applies to you like fake hair or body shapers. Sometimes the product is a book or a blog.
But you’ll find it doesn’t matter which you follow, both the personal and professional accounts are the same. The personal account will tweet ‘haha’ at you one time to make you think there is a person there, but from then on hourly tweets: “Great deals!” “Offer ending soon!” “Like my fb page!” “You’ve read my post? *cracks whip* Now retweet it dammit!” “Tell your friends!”
There isn’t a person behind the personal account, only a business trying to suck you in with a fake face.

The Educated
They’ve gone to school and they won’t let us rest.
Open their bios, and I hope you have a dictionary, a reference book and you’ve read up on your European mythology.
Bio: Apollo seeking demulcent ataraxia.
Location: Mount Olympus
I just had a stroke reading that.

The One-track Soccer Mind
Bios: “Team blue” “My heart belongs to Arsenal” “I bleed blue.”
Bleed blue? Not even green white green?
Are these the people you’re expecting to run the Nigerian version of the Arab Spring? They are more likely to riot over a bad football trade.

The Hipsters
If they have a long name, it is been shortened. “Chukwuemeka aka Meka aka DJ MK”
If they have a traditional name, it’s been anglicized. “Hadeborlah”
Is there a friendly foreigner browsing the web on a lonely night, his hand hovering over the button thinking, “Hmm, to follow or not to follow Horlamiday? At least I can pronounce the name.”

The Ninjas
They want all of the advantages of social media without anyone getting any advantage off them. Their display picture is a picture of the back of a head, or an inanimate object. They might slip up and post a tweet that actually talks about themselves, but check back in ten minutes, the revealing tweet is gone.
*waves wand* The more you look, the less you see.

The Popular Jingos
They are popular and all their friends are popular too or at least all the ones they talk to online.
Sample tweet: “Shout-out to my girl, Jenay, having her weekly fashion show this week. You go gurl!”
Do these people not have any regular struggling friends or do they just not talk to them in public? How about a “shout-out to my boy who just worked some overtime at Zenith bank! Go home, relax, and soak some garri with ice cold water, you deserve it.
Oh and FYI, your BIS is due next week, I hope you saved up.”

The Protected
They came optimistically to twitter. They thought it would be different from the real world, only nice people here. They quickly amass many followers with their witty commentary and good looks. Then they find people are the same everywhere, some good, some bad. Some will mock you, challenge you, fave everything you tweet. It is unthinkable to them that this could happen, on the internet no less.
They get defensive and padlock the door, protecting their account after luring all those people in.

The Outsiders
Sample bios: “I cannot be fit into any box.”
“I am not the norm, different from what you expect.”
“Unique individual breaking conventions.”
This is sometimes followed by a list of the strange interests they have.
There, there *pats back* you joined the masses on twitter to proclaim how unlike the masses you are. Smart move, buddy. Show don’t tell.

The Wave Riders
These people have no hobbies you can identify. There is no consistency to their tweets besides trending topics. If it’s popular, they are in there commenting on it.
Sample tweets:
“I am Trayvon Martin.”
“Kate shouldn’t have shown her boobs.”
“I can’t believe Mitt Rodney said that about poor people.” (sic)

28 thoughts on “Nigerian Twitter Personas

  1. hahahahahaha …. freeking hilarious .. I dont have a twitter or facebook account so dont know much bout wot goes on there but I totally get the pic of what u saying .. soooo hilarious .. I think “the religious” are the most funny though .. like seriously what the hell is “in the fathers bosom”? … lol lol lol .. Hipsters are mad hilarious also and popular jingos ..haha

    I cant say for sure where I will fit in though … Great post man … Hey have you ever heard of .. an online Nigerian satirical site?

    • No, I hadn’t heard of it before. Looking it up now, and it is actually pretty packed and current. I’m impressed.
      Satire and sarcasm are so hard to do consistently.
      Even harder in a place where a lot of the news is already so far-fetched.

      • Tell me about it .. My friend and I used to update the site everyday but now we can barely cough a piece out in an entire week. I know you probably have a tight schedule but it will be great if you could come up with something for wazobiareport once in a while .. we always welcome good writers.

      • I’ll keep it in mind.
        I have found consistent failure in trying to write towards a target. So I just write whatever I have a later figure out where it goes (blog, short story submission, addition to novel, etc).
        I’ve added the link, hopefully that opens it up (to new readers and writers). If I write anything that fits, I’ll definitely send your way.

  2. Buahahaha. This is awesome!

    I’d like to see you try to box me into any of these categories though. E nor too poss. 3-[
    (And no, this does not make me an Outsider… -_-)

    • True. Some, no many, people don’t fit into convenient sarcastic stereotypes. But (unfortunately) we tend to think them because it helps us easily group (and dismiss) people.

      “We never see other people anyway, only the monsters we make of them.”

  3. Lol post made me chuckle. It’s very true. Though some of us padlock our accounts for reasons other than being disillusioned.

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