Tear Nylon

I was walking to the bus stop this morning. It was early and the sky was dark with a hint of the orange of the day creeping in around the edges. The few cars on the road still had their headlights on.
A motorcycle passed me, slowing as it approached the junction.

There was a passenger on the back of the bike. He was a sturdy man, above average height, broad shouldered with large arms. His beard was carefully trimmed in that fashion conscious way, sideburns drawn down his face merging with the beard and a thin line of hair forming a moustache around his mouth.

He had on a muscle t-shirt that would be tiny on anyone. It was tight around the chest, tight around the arms, choking him. A tattoo poked out of the top of the shirt and crept up the left side of his neck.

He got down from the motorcycle. He was wearing unlaced high-top sneakers, there was a patch of hairy leg and above them cargo shorts that hung down to his calves. The shorts had pockets everywhere.

The okada man was waiting.

The husky man searched for money for the ride. He checked the front pockets of his shorts. Then the back pockets. He checked the tiny pocket inside the front pocket. He bent forward to check the cargo pockets down by his knees.

The man did all of this while carrying a newborn. It was tiny, still wrapped in that white fluffy cloth that brand new babies come in. He had tucked the infant under his arm when he was on the bike. Now, at five in the morning, he juggled it from bicep to bicep as he looked for change.

I stood there staring at him, making no attempt to hide it, watching people as they walked past and thinking, “Is anyone going to stop the man with the stolen baby?”

He paid the bike man. He jogged across four lanes of express, dodging cars as they zipped past. He jumped over the middle divider, and trotted across four more lanes of traffic, protecting the baby’s head as he ran.

Welcome to Lagos, little human.

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From Saul’s Private Email Server

******2
From: King1@jol.com
To: HarpBoy17@jahoo.com

Hope u dnt mind. I got ur emal addy from Jonathan.
Sry abt d last time. I had a lot on ma mind. With the war an everything els.e
Sumtims when im lying down, I can feel darkness closing in from the edges, the darts my my enemies are throwin r hitting me right here in my soul, the weight of the kingdom is completely on my chest and my heart is pounding. U dnt knw what itis like. On those days, I av few ppl I can rely on.

And u say ur tryin but. Then you go an play a song I dont like. You prolly dont mean anytin by it, buti warned u severl times before in the past.
I accept your apology though. Nd I shoulnt av thrown the spear at you. That one is My bad.
Pls let m no when u r bak in town. Headaches are gettin worse, only ur harp suuthes them. It is like I wud die without yr help

Forgive my typings

 

 

******1
From: King1@jol.com
To: Giantslayer10Kkilla@jahoo.com

I see, its new achivement, new email address. No probblem.
If you tink dis is the type of thing you should be bragging about. Thatis up to you.
Continue to carry ur shoulders up. Act asif I did not bring you into my house. As if I did not raise u nd treat u as one of my own. And Even give u this opportunity to shine.

I offered u my daughter and u throw it back in my face as if I am begging u. You tink I care about taxes from your peasant family? Honestly, I perfer if you never mention this philistine thing 2 any1 again. If you cannt see fit to tell the truth, to be honest with people, justtell them u dunt want to talk about it.

And I knw its you talking about me behind mt bak telling people I’m crazy.
NO , u David u r d crazy one.

 

 

******3
From: King1@jol.com
To: Soninlaw2dking@jahoo.com

I ddon’tknow who u bin talking to. Spreading all sorts of rumors. That Me, of all people, sending assassins to come and kill you. Why wld I du sometin like that?
If I wantd to kill u, cann I not face u man 2 man and do it? Did I nut throw a spear at you that one time face to face? (and apologize)
And now that we are family. I resent that you wuld accuse me of something like that. After all the foreskins weve shared between us. If you tink I will send asassins to ur house wherrr my own daughter leaves. You tink I will put my child at risk????

My curse on you, my curse on your family, my curse on those two bastard children of mine that are feeding you these rumurs. I swear If I meet you or anyone related to you, anyone who knows you has heard of you or speaks positive of you, I swear on my life I will kill them. I will remove their eyes.
I wish you a slow death.

 

 

******4
From: King1@jol.com
To: KingInHiding@jmail.com

Sorry for that last email. Am going thru a lot of stress right now.

I Think its very disrespekt ful what u r doing to me nd my family.
U invade my privacy, tear my cloths, steal my spear, my water bottle.
After all I’ve done for u. Shame on u.
Delete your account.

Seventh Son of a Seventh Son

 

  1. One of the highest rates of twin births in the world is amongst the Yoruba people, especially those from a small town in Oyo state called Igbo-Ora.

 

  1. Traditionally, Yoruba twins are called Taiwo (also Taiye) and Kehinde. Taiwo being the first of the twins to emerge and Kehinde the second.

 

  1. Even though Taiwo is born first, Yorubas consider the older twin to be Kehinde. They believe that Kehinde sends Taiwo out into the world to see if the world is suitable. This ties into the Yoruba “respect” culture (air quotes intended) where you only know a person is older by their propensity to send younger people on errands.

 

  1. A woman’s chances of having twin births increases as she gets older and with each subsequent birth. Thus a woman who has had a few children is more likely to have a set of twins than a woman just starting out.

 

  1. The Yoruba naming convention for families with twin births is as follows:
    1. The twins are Taiwo (the scout)
    2. and Kehinde (the older)
    3. Idowu comes after the twins (and is short for “I do all the twins’ chores” but is pronounced differently)
    4. Alaba is next
    5. Then Idogbe (rarely seen)
    6. And finally Idohan

 

  1. The nomenclature clock resets at each set of twins. So a woman with 6 children from 4 births and twins in positions 1 and 3 (and Mars in retrograde) would have Big Taiwo and Big Kehinde, Big Idowu, Little Taiwo and Little Kehinde, and Little Idowu.

 

  1. However, if a woman has a set of twins and is then able to string together an unbroken line of five single births (in spite of her body’s increasing tendency towards multiple births), it is said that the resulting seventh child would be a being of pure light and magic, the only one capable of wielding the family’s sacred broom and mop, responsible for running all the family’s errands and doing all the housework. And even the Yoruba don’t have a name for it.

 

 

h/t @ifemmanuel (ifenihinlola.wordpress.com)

 

Amazing Race Lagos

Tune in this Thursday for a NEW and EXCITING episode.

Two, that’s TWO, contestants are given a danfo bus and a torchlight phone–complete with rubber band holding it together.
The contestants must make it from the Seme border on one end of Lagos ALL the way ACROSS the state to the Olu’s palace in Epe.
The bus has no fuel.
The phone has no credit.
Contestants are given no money and are not allowed to contact previous associates. They have one month to get to the finish line or until such fate as would befall them as to make it impossible to continue.

Meet our first contestants, Olalekan and his son, Segun. They sell the phone (hellooo… brought to you by Airtel) to get enough petrol to start the bus. Olalekan and Segun form a driver and conductor team and are quickly on their way, picking up passengers and using the fares collected to pay for more fuel. But at Oshodi they are stopped by touts. The agberos harangue Olalekan. “Where is your sticker? Owo loading da? Owo security and parking?” Segun steps in with an explanation.
Segun gets stabbed.
Let’s catch up with them next week as Olalekan waits for his son to get stitches.

Next up, Ifeanyi and Ada. He says she’s his girlfriend, she says it’s fiancee, we say that is a matter for another show. They decide to sell the danfo for parts and use the money to pay for a taxi. Right at the border, they sell the side mirrors, they sell the windows. Ifeanyi is on the phone (hellooo… brought to you by Airtel) talking to someone who is willing to buy the frame of the bus.
But uh-oh, don’t look now. The Alaba International boys have gotten wind of unsanctioned trade activity in the region, and are moving in on them.

Meanwhile, Taiwo and Kehinde, twin returnees from Houston, have abandoned the bus and are attempting to hitch a ride. They stand on the side of the Badagry expressway with their thumbs out. Cars zip by, one slows down to yell, “Ashewo!” but who will stop for them?
Two girls!
One chance!!
Zero possibility of winning.

Finally, the mother-daughter team of Isabella and Mama Isabella. After buying fuel at a petrol station, their bus refuses to start. The pressure of the race is getting to them.
Isabella pushes the bus with help from two of the fuel attendants while her mother controls from the driver’s seat. The danfo rolls, gathers momentum, Isabella shouts, “Mummy, Now!” Her mother jumpstarts the bus. It jerks, it sputters to a stop. They push again. The engine catches this time, then it coughs and dies.
Isabella wails. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? Are you releasing the clutch? Are you pressing the accelerator or the brake?”
Her mother sticks her head out of the window. “You this girl, your mouth is too sharp. Everything, you must comment. That is how you drove Paul away.”
*gasp*

Drama! Adventure!! All on Amazing Race Lay-Gos!!!

COMING SOON!
From the makers of Monopoly Nigerian Edition ™
The most anticipated show of the season:
Married at First Sight of Their Bank Accounts
Contestants must choose who to marry simply by looking at each other’s bank statements.
“Nne, what do you mean you operate a cash only business?”

Sponsored by Access Bank.
Terms and conditions apply.