If I did it: Confessions of a killer

Here’s how I think it happened.

We’ve been told that over 75% of our budget goes to paying the executive and legislative arms of our government. I think that is an understatement.
I think the amount is more like 150% of our budget.

I think the President opened the national treasury, which I assume is a gilded chalice set to the right of his throne on a stool with a purple pillow.

President Jonathan reaches for this chalice after submitting his budget for 2012. After asking for ₦1 billion for feeding for himself and the vice president, and ₦57 million for phone calls for the year, and ₦1.3 billion to fuel generators at his house, money that he wouldn’t need if he just paid that amount into the power sector.

He and Vice President Sambo are laughing uncontrollably at the utter stupidity of the Nigerian people.

Ho-ho-ho, they are laughing like Santa as rich well-fed men are wont to do.
₦1 billion for food? What do they think we are eating, kobe beef? I hear the Japanese feed the cows only milk and beer to keep them docile so they don’t use their muscles. They also give the cows massages to keep their flesh soft.

So the president and vice president are now having these lazy cows with their succulent meat flown in from Japan on the Nigerian Airforce One which is probably the Airforce One that JFK used, and the US decided to give to Nigeria like they gave us that old battleship last week (another ₦2 billion on the budget)

The cows arrive and the president reaches for the gold goblet to pay for them, only *gasp* the chalice is empty.

He summons all the leaders of the animal kingdom and the king asks them, why is my chalice empty?
Who took the last diamond from it?
Was it you, Senate?
Was it you, House of Reps?
Was it you, PDP fat cats?

The wise tortoise comes forward and says, “Dear King, may you rule forever, or at least for one extended six year term.”

The other animals reply, “Amen”

“O great King, it appears that our calculations were wrong. If you remember, the last Speaker of the House, Dimeji Bank ole, may God rest his soul, had to take an illegal loan to pay the House of Reps’ salaries last year. It would appear that if we paid ourselves the *chuckles* exorbitant amounts we have all quoted, there won’t be money left to do anything else.”

There is a rumbling among the animals, many of whom have not been paid yet.

The king mutters to himself, then he stutters, and finally he says, in that uncertain way of his, “I will grant a chieftaincy to the first person who can come up with a solution to this problem. A chieftaincy and the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

“O great king,” the elephant speaks up, “can we get the chieftaincy but without the daughter?”

There is a murmur of approval from the audience.

“Alright then, only a chieftaincy. For he who can come up with a way to get more money from the people to pay ourselves.”